Men’s Corner
When the Women you Love is Diagnosed with Breast Cancer
You've just been told that someone you love, or someone close to you, has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Your first thoughts usually revolve around what is going to happen next. Will they require surgery, will they have to undergo treatments of chemotherapy or radiation, will they have to give up their jobs, school or lifestyle in general, and ultimately, are they going to survive this disease?
Breast cancer affects everyone differently, but most women do not want to suffer through this alone. Emotions are all over the map, your and hers. Those emotions can be hard to read. But remember it’s many times the simple things in life that really matter most to people. A hug, a card of encouragement, a back rub or a meal brought to the house are all small things that mean so much when dealing with a difficult situation.
The most important thing you can do is offer support. But what does that really mean?
Well, all women are unique, so that could take on a lot of different meanings to the woman in your life. Communicating is important so she knows you still love her and want to do everything possible to make this journey as easy as possible. Unfortunately, it will be a bit frustrating for you as you won’t be able to fix this problem. It is a journey you both will need to go through and as long as she knows you are willing to go through with her, it will make it more tolerable.
After talking to many women going through and reflecting back on their breast cancer experience we have assembled several ideas to help you better support the woman in your life who is going through this difficult journey.
Being supportive includes becoming informed about breast cancer and its treatment, and encouraging the woman in your life to investigate and learn all about their breast cancer and the options of treatment and adjunct therapy they may want to explore.
Being supportive to someone you care for is also about listening to their fears, validating their feelings, sharing special moments and helping with the day to day responsibilities to give the person a little more time to spend on themselves. People going through cancer treatments are usually fatigued and need to rest. Taking the kids out to the park or for dinner will let the person get that well deserved nap or break from those responsibilities.
Rally the friends and relative around to help you, help the woman you love. Women tend to be wonderful caregiver but lousy at asking for help. Try to anticipate some of her concerns and get neighbors or friends, for instance, to take the kids to practice or dance; bring over a meal so she won’t feel guilty for not cooking for the family; clean up the house or just come over for a short visit.
Don’t forget to touch her, hold her hand, and stroke her back, her face. Touch is healing and more than anything she wants to be the way she was before the diagnosis. She needs to hear the words that express your love but she also needs to feel them. For those quiet moments where words can’t even express the thoughts and feelings you are sharing.
Having said all of this, remember to take time for you as well. Caregivers/spouses tend to look after others and not themselves, so it is very important to keep in touch with your own emotions so as not to put yourself at risk for an emotional or a physical meltdown.
A Special List for the Husbands and Partners
"Your Honey Do List"
To help support your wife or partner & improving the quality of her life and your relationship!
- Give her Hugs and Kisses
- Listen to her without judgment. Don’t try to fix this, it can’t be fixed.
- Help out around the house. Do the dishes, straighten up, throw in a load of laundry. Ask how she wants it done so she feels like she has some control.
- Bring her flowers, a single rose, bunch of daffodils or tulips or a colorful bouquet, nothing says it better than flowers.
- Bring home her favorite takeout, light some candles and enjoy each other.
- Give her Hugs and Kisses
- Allow and encourage others to help you and your partner.
- Steal away in the middle of the day for a matinee and/or lunch date.
- Explain how scary this for both of you, but how you will be there for her every step of the way.
- Call her and tell her something funny and remind her you love her.
- Run some errands for her (grocery shopping, post office, bank deposits)
- Give her Hugs and Kisses
- Give her a foot rub and offer to paint her toenails.
- Wash her car, vacuum and clean it out for her.
- Write her a love note, tell her some future plans you want to share together.
- Take her to hit a bucket of golf balls, go for a drive in the country.
- Arrange for a babysitter so she can rest or do something fun with a friend.
- Give her Hugs and Kisses
- Touch her often and more than in a sexual way, she wants to know you still find her attractive and want to be with her.
- Rub her bald head with Aloe Vera lotion or gel.
- And Finally–Keep telling her you love her and you aren’t going anywhere. She might test that love at times but make sure you communicate with words and deeds.
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